I want to offer this caveat, as I continue to slowly saturate my site with even more pizza-related content: this post is not going to fare well on search engines and I do not expect it to receive many views due to that, but I’m okay with that, because if this post can even reach one person, to either help or let them know that they aren’t alone in such plights, then it is worth the time spent writing this. I write the tongue in cheek comment about saturating the site with more pizza-related content in jest, as this post runs deep, like a Detroit style pizza, y’know?

I know a lot of people who speak a lot but say very little. Chances are, if you know me on a deeply personal level, you would understand that I am typically not a chatterbox, at least when it comes to talking. I can write for days, and sure, when it comes to speaking, whether it be holding a conversation or even engaging in public speaking (of which I’ve done more than a fair share of), I can do that for a while, but it’s as if there’s always been an internal force, reaching a point to where I become incredibly exhausted from talking to people. In my life, there is only one person that I have ever been able to consistently talk to for hours upon hours over the course of several days, weeks or months with.

It is almost comical to write that out, because it makes me sound socially inept in a way, or intolerable, but I’m not. It is to preface the heap of written junk that is coming. I simply become exhausted by most people, and to a degree I believe many folks feel that way, at least in some respect. Based on the content I have posted on Instagram, people have called me ‘charming’ or ‘charismatic’ and I always get a kick out of such comments, because they come from acquaintances who see me acting silly/comedic over the food-related posts that I’ve published.

The last three and a half years have been hell.

It has been difficult (understatement); life has a way of kicking back, but regardless, I am pushing forward and do my best to take time every day to find gratitude in something. However, that’s truly not enough, I have found.

When I was younger, I was ignorant about depression. I thought it merely meant ‘sadness’ or momentary sadness that would pass. How terribly wrong I was. Even at times over these past three and a half years, which was kickstarted with crushing sadness, I thought to myself, “Eh, I don’t have depression; I’m just crushed with pain from a sudden inexplicable, unexplained loss.” But imagine the crushing pain from a sudden inexplicable, unexplained loss being deeper.

I didn’t want to bastardize depression by saying I’m depressed, but I had to acknowledge it eventually. I wrote a couple of paragraphs above that gratitude isn’t enough to skirt around it, because it isn’t. I can be fully aware of what I have in my life and be appreciative, but that doesn’t erase nor invalidate my thoughts and feelings.

That is why I now shake my head when I see people say things like, “snap out of it!” or “show gratitude!” or “just go out in the sunlight and exercise!” These are the typical statements that will receive a swift, sarcastic “Oh, hey, thanks, I’m cured” response, because such things exist to elicit guilt. I’m more physically active than anybody I personally know, and I almost quite literally spend entire summers outdoors while partaking in fulfilling activities that provide meaning, yet have still battled pain. Oh, but I’m not being grateful enough, correct? Riiiiiiight… if my eyes could roll any more, they’d fall out of the sockets.

I’m a poor actor, regardless of how I’ve lived quietly with these feelings. I cooked the family’s Christmas dinner last year and was flat-out called out on it, quietly which I appreciate, but regardless it shows.

I feel guilty for neglecting the Grizzly BBQ site for so long, even though I have hundreds of drafts with content ready to roll out. I have even largely neglected the Grizzly BBQ Instagram page this year. I skirted by in 2020-2022 since I had a slew of drafts that I was able to post. Simply put, the energy has not been there. The ability to get into the nitty gritty and fine details and not half-ass the posts is a struggle.

But I march forward and will continue to do so, even if oftentimes I have felt like I have been living life on autopilot and going through the motions as the years fly by ever so quickly and the days feel so slow.

There is an excerpt of an old Scottish ballad (that I have handwritten on a piece of paper on an old bookshelf since 2016) that I heard a long time ago from, believe it or not, an ESPN documentary on the early 1990s Buffalo Bills. Asides from pizza, it might be the cheesiest, campy thing I’ll ever post on here, but I take solace in it:

“‘Fight on, my men,’ Sir Andrew said,
A little I’m hurt, but not yet slain
I’ll just lie down and bleed a while,
And then I’ll rise and fight again.”

What meets the eye is the idea that it is over the top, sure, but the simple words have always spoken to me on a level that resonated. To keep pushing forward, even if you have to ‘lie down and bleed a while’ (rest) while soulfully wounded. It’s just a little mantra of sorts to keep going in spite of being in the throes of truly internally feeling like you are down for the count, when you feel like you are drowning in your thoughts.

In late 2020/early 2021, I got into pizza-making in a roundabout way to occupy my mind. Why pizza and not simply barbecue? Well, pizza — asides from the dough fermentation — is quite the active process, and I’m a science nerd. I quickly came to enjoy how intricate of a scientific art that pizza-making is, from the ‘right’ temperature of the water to create the dough to the final temperature of the dough when mixing the ingredients is concluded.

The above photo is from early 2021. It is a terrible photo and I look worse than ever, but it’s an example. That was the beginning of another extreme wave of sadness in my life on top of the first, my hair was unkempt but, hey, I successfully made my first Detroit style pizza that was enjoyed by others, and I held onto that. I held onto that feeling of worth and being valued, y’know? Like I have written on my ‘about Troy’ page on here, what fuels me to cook is cooking for others.

By the end of 2021, and then in 2022, I was experimenting with Neapolitan and New York style pizzas, respectively, on my outdoor pizza ovens.

The thing I appreciate about such styles (Neapolitan and NY) are that the dough is simple: flour, water, salt, yeast. No sugar, no oil, no artificial crap. While yes, pizza is a calorically dense food, it is not inherently unhealthy with those ingredients, especially considering that the dough is fermented from anywhere from 72 to 96 hours, which has a positive effect on a person’s gut biome and blood sugar levels post-consumption.

Such positive effects are boosted, even more-so, if you create sourdough pizza.

Anyhow, I’m going off the rails. Barbecue, despite all the pop-ups and catering, wasn’t helping in that lane. Most of the work for barbecue comes in the prep and what you do after the main cooking venture is over. With pizza, it is much more of an active involvement.

So I mention all of this to laugh in the face of people who say things, too, like, “Well, eat healthier!”

I usually eat one meal a day, out of habit, and I hardly go out to eat unless I’m traveling or it is some occasion. Even with calorically dense food, I do my best to use nothing but natural ingredients sourced from whole foods with minimal processed crud. Between that and being physically active, I do alright.

At some point, people need to realize that there is no cure-all ‘one size fits all’ panacea. If only life were so simple. It is incredible how devastatingly painful it is when you miss something, somebody or a time period.

So do what you can, the bare minimum, to be kind, to be courteous to those around you. I know, modern life is wonky. It can be challenging. But we are all just trying to get through.

One day at a time.

I could write for a century, but I’ll leave it at that. Keep pushing. I know it’s a low quality, low effort post, but I wanted to update with where my headspace has been at for the last three and a half years, plus at least throw the topic of food into the equation to make it relevant to the site.